“right now, i feel useless. no, i’ve always been useless. i never exist. i have no feelings. i don’t freaking have anything left within me. i can’t take myself anymore, vegas.”
we all kept saying that vegas and pete are parallels to each other to what the same kind of abuse can lead to. it’s almost tiring how many times we analyzed how vegas weaponized his trauma by turning into an abuser in self defense, but we were a little blinded by pete’s smile because we genuinely believed pete was always being completely open about everything. his tattoo says it all, doesn’t it? no legacy is so rich as honesty. didn’t he share with vegas what his dad did? didn’t he follow what his heart told him? isn’t he gentle, a good friend, a good subordinate? that must be who he is.
vegas craves attention, acknowledgement, and he thinks he never received it because he never accomplished anything. pete did, though. he won the fight, and yet his dad still hit him. it doesn’t matter how good he is or how much he contributes to his surroundings, he’s never actually seen. it doesn’t matter how much effort he puts, how much emotional labor he puts in his relationships, he’s still secondary to their choices, a supporting character. it’s not just vegas that was never recognized as a person, it’s pete too.
it’s pete because he can disappear and people that he holds dear to him wouldn’t even notice until someone dreams about him. because he keeps being the wingman to others, but no one ever falls for him. he solves the problems for everyone, but not only that, his efforts always turn into more responsibility since he’s so reliable - never, i don’t know, a vacation i guess? his work has no emotional return to him, and while he’s loved by tankhun he’s still a subordinate and not a friend. it’s his boss, and he has no say in their relationship like the other does. “my most understanding bodyguard”. pete understands tankhun and shows his concern for him through how he takes care of the other, but tankhun loves pete exactly for that, and not for him. no one sees the true him.
he puts his heart in everything. yes, the honesty is there. and he does everything without expecting anything in return, because he knows that doing the right thing sometimes isn’t rewarding. that doesn’t mean he doesn’t crave recognition, it’s just that he doesn’t feel he’s ever going to receive the type of recognition he so desperately wants. and he can’t show this side to the others, because then he will be a burden and not fulfill the role he wants. he honestly wants to make everyone around him feel ok - and he’s fine with that, in some levels. he thinks helping others is rewarding because you can see the smile in their faces after it.
“i’m sorry. i aim to spread more smiles than tears.”
he’s content. it’s enough to keep him going, to inspire him to keep making others around him happy, because if anything that’s the only thing he knows. he has to live each day by itself, because if he sees the big picture he’ll feel like a side character to his own life. but deep inside, even though he has come to terms with his father’s abuse, he can’t distance himself from the violence. it’s his whole environment, it’s how he learned relationships work, it’s thrilling - and makes him feel alive. after being successful in destroying vegas’ plan, he’s so high on his accomplishment that the torture is almost a recognition on how well he fucked up vegas, and he can take it with a smile in his face.
but after all the violence and the torture vegas puts him through, he still can’t turn his caring persona of, because he’s so used to finding patterns in people in order to make them smile that he easily cracks the code to what’s vegas’ problem is. it’s almost instinctive at this point to only comfort him, not because he actually feels for vegas but because he is simply like that. he opens up just enough for vegas to understand that he’s being seen, but not enough for vegas to see him. he says just the right things at the right time, never giving information about himself or opening up. his goal was never to have vegas obsessed with him, but just to live each passing day and try to handle it as best as it could.
but vegas gets obsessed with him - actually, the idea of him. vegas is so caught up with the idea that someone understood him and didn’t judge him harshly that he completely ignores that pete is not “someone” in the sense of an abstract concept in his mind, but a person entirely separate. he starts seeing pete as an extension of him, projecting his feelings and his desires into the other. but this obsession shows up in the form of little actions of care and attention (in vegas’ way, of course), in the sexual tension, and this desire is so intense that it moves pete’s heart.
because, for a second, pete wants to believe that all that intensity and emotion is for him. that vegas actually saw who he is and understands, and is desiring him. when vegas tells him he’s sexy, is he saying that because he sees pete’s body and thinks he’s attractive or because the sex they had and pete’s submission is sexy to him? vegas proceeds to only talks about him and his feelings, but he never asks pete how he feels. he opens up - “i thought i was a freak”, but it’s not followed by a “have you ever felt something like that, pete?”. vegas finally asks him “how did you survive in this environment?” and pete’s finally smiling, asking back “why, do you think i’m a good guy?”. he’s expecting vegas to give an actual insight on it. but vegas shows how little he understands pete telling him he’s “stupid” - pete is far from stupid and he knows. and it’s not just bickering, because pete realizes that vegas truly believes he has nothing going on inside his mind, that he’s just what vegas wants him to be.
after that, he slaps himself in the face to wake up - vegas isn’t seeing him as a person, he needs to leave. that life is not what he wants. but then why did he say yes to him? why did he kiss vegas? of course there was a previous build-up of desire between the both of them, but what was that made him give in? he has never been into subspace before and he’s still trying to understand himself and what he wants, but right now he’s completely sober. and he blames himself a lot for everything. but when vegas gets inside the room mad, he’s doing it again - he’s trying to help vegas.
vegas still doesn’t sees pete, only what he wants to see. so it’s easy for him to simply act up and vent all his violence on the other when pete shows again how understanding he is (and he switches his emotions as if he wasn’t, a few hours earlier, putting all the care in the world making a dish for him). vegas still believes in what he told pete in the last episode before they kiss, that pete likes that side of him and that it turns him on, so it never occurred to him that acting like that again could have any other effect. not only that, but the line about them sleeping (which was already making pete dwell on self hatred for what he did and what he desired) finally snaps pete, because not only he isn’t in the mindset to enjoy that type of violence, but also because he’s done - he understands everyone, even vegas, but no one ever tries to understand him.
vegas’ obsession isn’t seeing him, but just a toy that will behave how he wants and like him the way he wants. pete wants to be desired intensely, madly and deeply, but he knows this isn’t what’s actually going on. it’s all a lie he’s telling himself, because he had a hard time coming into terms that vegas’ liked what he provided for him - comfort - and not him. he’s once again secondary to someone else’s feelings, and it doesn’t matter what he wants and what he likes, what his pain is, he’s not seen. and now, being punished by something he didn’t do, unable to even comfort vegas with his words, he’s useless too.
pete’s so done that he asks for vegas to kill him, and vegas is so out of his mind that he goes on to grab a knife and actually threaten to do it. vegas isn’t thinking properly but he does think this is just pete’s usual bratty behavior, and in his mind is something that can easily be solved like every other instance between them where he plays abuser with pete and then leaves. but this time, pete’s finally honest about his feelings. he’s done with everything, and he’s done with vegas treating him like that. he feels like shit, and there’s no point on keeping with this if he will still be treated like that. he tells him, he’s lost his humanity. he’s not living as a person, but as something. in this case, vegas’ plaything.
after all that, vegas sees the huge mistake he’s making, and starts begging - and that touches pete’s heart again. because vegas is begging him so desperately to not kill himself, that he’s sorry and that he needs pete so much, that pete falters a little. he knows that vegas still isn’t truly seeing him (if anything, he’s just finding out about him) but the feeling of having him begging for pete to stay with that face creates a bitter taste in his mouth. he wants vegas to desire his true self like that, and not the character vegas created in his mind. and that reinforces pete’s desperation either dying or running and leaving.
“i’m a human, vegas. i have feelings.”
vegas insists on needing him, which pete finally throws in vegas’ face that is not him that he needs but a mirror. he keeps projecting onto him, and never asking what pete needs, treating him like a pet. and pete shows him - if he actually needs him as a person, why the chains? why aren’t his needs being met too? and vegas begs him to promise he won’t leave him. the fact is, pete can’t lie to vegas at this point, because he’s opened his heart so much he can’t pretend anymore he would do something like that. and he touches vegas’ face, because deep down he’s still conflicted with all those feelings, but he finally chooses to put himself first and knocks vegas out.
and while they’re apart, vegas never leaves his mind. even though he’s loved by everyone and everyone is grateful he’s back, there’s still a lingering feeling that he only ever felt being with him, and he misses it so much. because now that he had the taste for the obsession, for being almost consumed by someone else that wants them so badly, how can he go back to his normal and mundane relationships? he’s numb, both traumatized by what happened and dwelling in guilt because even though everything was so terrible he wants a little bit of it back. and he feels the shame of the intoxication he feel, unable to open up to anyone about that. him lying and denying to tell porsche is not only because he wants to protect vegas, but because he wants to protect himself from acknowledging that he doesn’t despise him as much as he wanted to, as he should do.
“get the hell out of my life.”
pete screams, but he’s unable to shoot the gun and end it all. when vegas takes the gun to his chest and screams, pete has an automatic reaction of fear that doesn’t go unnoticed by him, but he keeps pushing to try and make his point. but pete can’t say anything, just cry the tears he has been holding all throughout the episode since he left vegas’ house. and again, he is only truly honest in that moment where he lets himself fall to the ground from how painful everything is, and vegas is comforting him. the worst, for him, is that he’s allowing once again vegas in his space, touching him intimately and taking care of him. and his hand goes trembling to the other’s face, unsure if it’s the right thing to do or not, because he’s pained by everything that went down and all the abuse - but also a little bit glad that vegas is still so obsessed with him that he’d follow him there. he’s conflicted because he can’t reconcile the idea that he wants vegas and, maybe, vegas wants him too, because it’s never the case. just like he said, he’s useless, has never existed, has no feelings, no humanity. there’s no point in hoping that vegas would do that to him. but he wants to believe in him so much that he can’t stop crying.
